I wish upon a tree...
that all my wishes will come true.
And that all my shattered dreams,
will be fixed into a whole.
A friend's brother told his sister (who is my friend) that he saw him holding hands with a girl. Albeit is the girl holding the last two fingers of his hand (so sweet huh? Like teenage love)...which is what he (not the brother) claimed to us. Even said he is a player.
Hah.
Come on..admit it already.
Am quite sad. Not heartbroken.
Some thing must be wrong with me..which is why all the guys I ever liked, never liked me back.
I don't think I want to like anyone that way anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Still, so many questions are running at top speed across my mind..would things be different if I had told him earlier?? If I had plucked up the courage, would he have accepted me? Would I be the one holding hands with him?
Things would have been the same...I think. After all, love cannot be forced.
I really, really like you.
Perhaps I am just stupid.
What do I know about love or liking anyone? I have never been in a relationship and I am such a detestable person with a deplorable personality. I do not have the ability to love or like anyone nor to induce such feelings in anyone.
I wish I can go to sleep and never wake up.
Go to sleep and forget everything.
Go to sleep and everything will be wiped clean tomorrow.
Help me...I want to forget.
10:52:00 PM
you drove my darkness away//*
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Today's (Saturday - 29 May 2010) lunch was the 2nd time we ate alone together..=P
They were all not working today and as lunch time neared, I toyed with the idea of asking him out for lunch.
Happened to pass by his office while on the way to another company's office, had wanted to drop in when I was headed back to my office, but I heard his voice & another person's and thus chickened out. My reasoning was that they seemed to be discussing work and it is better that I do not interrupt them.
Around 10 minutes before I decided to call it a day, I MSNed him to ask if he wanted to go and eat lunch together but he didn't reply after waiting for some time. Kinda discouraged and decided to pack up and head back. A niggling thought came and refused to go away. So in the end, I gave in and went down to his office to look for him. I told myself that if the lifts that service that particular floor come, I would see that as a sign to go and look for him (the things I do to justify my actions......T.T). And indeed one of those lifts did arrive. I went down to his office and surprise, oh surprise, the door was locked. Felt rather letdown and disappointed, trudged back to the lift and resolutely refusing to sulk.
At this point, any person with enough common sense and pride would have just gone back. But no, stupid O' me decided to pit a last ditch effort and called him. The ringing went on and on and just when I was about to chicken out (told myself I am being annoying and clingy. And WAY too obvious), he picked up the call. Was caught off guard that I was chattering and rambling away. Asked if he wanted to have lunch, he asked if it is my treat. Said it is end of the month, I am poor, I can treat him lunch, which would have to be food in our office building or McDonald's. Rambled on some more...etc.
Conclusion was we will go out and eat but I need to wait for him to finish up his work. Jokingly told him to roll out the red carpet to welcome me. Heh. to which he replied that his office's floor IS carperted with red carpet. Bleah. Talked some more nonsense to him, commenting that my handphone actually has reception while I was in the lift..(normally, starhub doesn't has coverage when one is in the lift), I had loathed to ask to hang up and so gambled by stepping inside the lift while still on the phone with him. Turned out that Starhub's mobile reception was pretty good this afternoon. Heh. ^^
Reached his office and saw that the door wasn't opened yet...so banged on it (in case he is hard of hearing. Heh..=p) He opened the door and we bantered for a bit after which I was left to my own devices while he worked. I found some newspapers to keep me occupied..(which was really great. I need to be updated on news happening in the world). After some reading, LGG called me regarding some stuff and we chatted for some time before hanging up and I got back to my papers. It wasn't long afterwhich he made some noises of resignation...etc and came out of his office announcing that we could leave for lunch.
Looking back, everything flew by so quickly that I could not grasp hold of much that had happened. So I guess the saying is true, happiness do slip through one's fingers all too easily.
Anyway, as usual we bantered about the usual stuff while on the way to McDonald's. The place was packed, but thank God for that very last empty table right at the end. After putting down my bag, I took out my wallet and asked what he wanted to eat. He said he would buy and asked what I wanted to have. I made to pass him some cash for lunch and he waved it off in his usual way..with grunts and hand motions, indicating that he would buy and pay. Keh. Deliberated for a few seconds over Double Cheeseburger or McSpicy. The latter won out. But some how I told him wanted Zinger Meal..*faints*. After a few seconds of confusion & embarrassment when he said that there is no Zinger burger, I told him I wanted the McSpicy, no up-size and change the Coke to green tea. Keh. He said I cannot drink green tea...cuz it is not so fattening. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Called after his retreating back that I wanted chilli. Heh.
Settled down in the chair to read and wait for his return. Surprisingly, he was back fast. Guess there's not much of a queue despite the packed place.
He returned with the food. And spicy shaker fries. Aww man, how can I resist anything spicy?? He made to keep the shaker fries away from me, so I deftly searched for and snatched up that packet of seasoning. Hehehe. Tore it open and poured the seasoning inside the paper bag filled with fries. Decided that there's a limit to having fun at people's expense, I returned the paper bag to him, intending to let him shake the bag and eat with peace. Unexpectedly, he commented that I should at least shake the bag of fries. I did so and when I was done, I snitched a fry before handing over that bag to him. As expected, he reacted and mock-scolded me..etc. hehehe.
It is really fun playing around with him.
This time's lunch was slightly better than the first time. We were more at ease with each other, at least I think so. He didn't spend 98% of the time glued to his iPhone. And that is a great thing. Heh..=p
Chatted a little..about his upcoming overseas trip and he asked when I am moving over to our new project site..
Come to think of it, most of our time together was spent mock-fighting, teasing & aggravating each other and just playing around. Some times, it is really more than a little draining. It is like, if we do not do all those, we would have nothing much in association with the other.
Lunch ended on an alright and light note, with us walking back to the office building and parting ways at the steps with me bidding him goodbye and him telling me to work more OT and asking why didn't I work more OT.
Bleahx.
I treasure each and every moment together with him, for our time together is coming to an end soon.....
12:53:00 AM
you drove my darkness away//*
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
From the first time we met till now, after 2 years and 11 months, yesterday's lunch at Forum's Mcdonald's was the first time we ate together. Just the two of us.
It was pretty exhilrating.
And TOTALLY UNEXPECTED.
Did ask him out for lunch when the both of us are working (when his staff are not working), but some how, it was either he had eaten or he wasn't hungry yet or he didn't want to.
So yesterday's lunch with him, came as a total suprise. In fact, it happened so fast that I didn't even had time to be shocked.
Went down to his office to pass him some documents and to put Rachel's unbroken Time Out on her desk. Then as usual, we played around a little. Meaning one of us started teasing the other (98% of the time, it was him who initiated it). I was pretty hungry at that time as it was almost 1pm, thus I asked him to treat me to lunch. I said that in chinese - 请我吃饭！ Having a slight craving for Mcdonald's, I mentioned that the weekday lunch offer has been extended to weekends too, which is great as eating Mcdonald's nowadays is so expensive. He said okie, he will treat me to 1 grain of rice...as I had said 饭, instead of saying 请我吃午餐. He played with my words and said he will treat me 一粒饭 (1 grain of rice).
Expecting this kind of comeback from me, I responded, "NOooooooooooooo..I meant lunch!" to which he said it was too late to change my words, he will treat me to one grain of rice. I made sniffling sounds and pretended to be sad and pitiful and cried out I was very hungry and for him to treat me lunch. (Of course he wasn't fooled by my act. We both knew that I was fake crying.) We played around like that for awhile until I felt and heard the slight rumble that my stomach was making. I decided to make a fast exit, though I loathe to leave him so soon; but I didn't want history to repeat itself. The last time I decided to stick around for awhile more, my tummy made its protest known LOUDLY. In his presence. He never let me forget that incident that day.
As I told him I want to go off and eat lunch, he stood up, got out his wallet and handed me a $10 note. Before that $10-note, he played around a little, giving me coins (four 5-cents) and a $2-note to which I said wasn't enough. I spied a $50-note and told him that I want that note. But he insisted on giving me the coins / $2-note.
In the end, when he handed me the $10-note, I was caught off guard and decided to drop the game, to tell him that I was only joking about asking him to treat me. Before that, I decided to play again; so I chided him, saying that just giving me money for lunch is a lack of sincerity. He should be the one buying our meals while I sit down and wait for him to bring the food. He reacted to my statement with his usual flair and told me I would go and buy while he waits. At that sentence, my brain came to an abrupt stop. As I was trying to mull over his sentence, he had already shrugged off his jacket and made to leave the room.
Wow.
My gosh.
It came surprisingly sudden that I had absolutely no time to go into inner-hyper-happy mode.
You have to understand, after knowing this guy for almost 3 years and only having his company hp number, while his staff have his personal number, is the biggest sting and the ultra reminder to wake up whenever I got too caught up in interactions with him.
Anyway, the walk to Forum's Mcdonald's was peppered with some chit chat and nonsense talk. I brought our lunches, using his $10-note. He got the Fillet 'O Fish meal with I ordered the Double Cheeseburger meal and changed the Coke to Green Tea. When I put down the tray, I took out my green tea with the intention of removing it from the spot in front of him so that I could shift his cup of coke (which was in front of me) to him. But as I got my drink, he moved his drink too. Haiz. Did that give the impression that I am selfish? That I only look after myself? I then moved to take his fillet for him, but he was a step faster. Sobbz....
At some point, I returned him the change. It was 70 cents. He remarked that it was so little. Immediately I thought that he meant the change was so little. It was only when everything was over and I was mulling over the happenings duriing lunch that it hit me that he was saying in a sarcastic way that the coins are so little...he had meant that there are so many coins. (He doesn't likes to keep coins). AARGHHHHHHHH. I am so slow and stupid! If it was Rachel, she would have caught on immediately!
I guess it is impossible huh? We have no chemistry at all.
Lunch consisted of him playing with his Iphone most of the time while we were eating. We did talk a little and all that, it wasn't uncomfortable. Just that, if it was anyone else, if it was with Joling / Rachel, things wouldn't be like that. We really just don't have much to talk about. I have so much to ask him but I do not know how to ask and what to ask. What little conversaton we had, was mostly me asking him questions and him answering.
An awful thought occured to me..Rachel wasn't at work that day though she was supposed to. Maybe he was mad and bothered and so, took me up on going for lunch together? Because he is alone and a tad frustrated with her?
I am a really lousy person huh? Thinking that kind of thing about a friend.
Sigh.
I think we communicate better in written words than in speech.
It might have been no big deal and nothing special. But I will never forget that day's lunch.
10 April 2010.
11:50:00 PM
you drove my darkness away//*
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Thursday, September 10, 2009
It was…..exhilarating to see you standing there just when I was thinking what a horrible day it is and had silently wished to see you. And there you were, standing right there just after I had rounded the corner. There you were.
It was too impossible. I knew it was impossible. Thus, it was more of a desire to see you rather than a hope to see you.
I think it was too much of a surprise to see you there that I wasn’t too shocked or overjoyed. It was more of a silent relief and gentle joy. Thank you. For that simple presence, it is a salve to my boiling temper.
5:53:00 PM
you drove my darkness away//*
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
刘德华 - 峰回路转
喜欢一个人 追求心中所想
岂管别人笑我如何痴狂
没有牵挂不能放 没有创痛不能忘
唯有豁开才能超越沧桑
喜欢去作梦 因为梦想很美
满足了心灵忘记了疲惫
与其整天去怨对 不如专心去面对
唯有宽怀方能微笑入睡
坦坦荡荡月华星光
一片清辉相映入眼宜然
简简单单轻风云淡
伴我上路 洒远走四方
近水绕远山
芳草连著天边长
人间处处尽是峰回路转
9:50:00 AM
you drove my darkness away//*
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
It is nothing. It will go away with time.
Though it hurts and my heart's like a sinking stone;
Things will be alright.
This is not the end of the world.
I am still alive and breathing in and out.
I am doing fine.
There is more to life than you.
One person doesn't make up my entire life, my whole world.
I am not a reject just because you don't want me.
Though I had once wished and hoped
And desired you to choose me.
So I am saying to myself,
"Move on. This hurts but life goes on.
Things don't stop and the world doesn't ends
When he chose her over you.
You love and wanted him to the point of distraction.
But since it is not mutual, it is alright too.
As long as he is happy. (That's what that matters.)
So, it is not my loss, but his.
When he chose her over me.
I will learn to let go and learn to love again.
And that special some one will come
in His time."
9:51:00 AM
you drove my darkness away//*
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
陈奕迅 - 兄妹
作曲：徐伟贤 填词：林夕
对我好 对我好 好到无路可退
可是我也很想 有个人陪
才不愿把你得罪 于是那么迂回
一时进 一时退 保持安全范围
这个阴谋让我好惭愧
享受被爱滋味 却不让你想入非非
就让我们虚伪
有感情 别浪费
不能相爱的一对
亲爱像两兄妹
爱让我们虚伪
我得到 于事无补的安慰
你也得到 模仿爱上一个人的机会
残忍也不是慈悲
这样的关系你说 多完美
眼看你 看著我 看得那么暧昧
被爱爱人原来一样可悲
为甚么竟然防备 别人给我献媚
不能推 不能要 要了怕你误会
让我想起曾经爱过谁
我所要的她不给 好像小偷一样卑微
就让我们虚伪
有感情 别浪费
不能相爱的一对
亲爱像两兄妹
爱让我们虚伪
我得到 于事无补的安慰
你也得到 模仿爱上一个人的机会
残忍也不是慈悲
这样的关系你说 多完美
10:42:00 AM
you drove my darkness away//*
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Musings and rantings of a girl who enjoys the simple things in life and wishes that the world is not so complicated.
Night Dancers
by Thomas Kennedy
Their quick feet pattered on the grass
As light as dewdrops fall.
I saw their shadows on the glass
And heard their voices call.
But when I went out hurrying
To join them,they were gone.
I only found a little ring
Of footprints on the lawn.
